Repeated Mistakes be Damned

It takes courage to walk away from something good.  It takes courage to demand the great in your life.  This is the choice I am going to make for myself.  I settled once in this life and I am suffering the consequences interminably.  Now is not the time to make the wrong choice.  All the highs and lows hold my attention, and create wild mood swings from misery to ecstasy, but it is not sustainable and will age me faster than it will benefit me.

Making these choices is not my strong suit – I have always been drawn to the dramatic – it makes me feel like I am living a life worthwhile.  There are ways to enjoy the extremes in life without the emotional turmoil, without the unnecessary gamble that I am currently taking.  My chest is tight with grief this morning, a mini-mourning session for a mini excursion toward love.  It wasn’t the right path, and for that I am frustrated with myself as well as frightened that I might keep moving forward out of habit. 

A friend offered another takeaway to focus on: this experience has proven that I can, and want to, love again.  With every experience there is something to learn.  The faithful would argue that we are fated to have the experiences we need most to grow.  Whether it is destiny or not, the right perspective is one of gratitude and open-minded introspection. 

Making mistakes is okay, making the same mistake again is not. 

Rain Rain, Here to Stay?

There is something very serious brewing in my stomach. I was worried I'd gotten food poisoning last night because of the foreboding feeling streaming not from my mind or heart, but from my gut.  This morning it is still there, heavier, and louder. 

Last night was overwhelmingly negative. I woke to heavy rain, as though my home sat next to a cathartic waterfall that was pressure washing my world. Will there be clarity today? Where did last night come from? Which feeling do I heed, the high from before or the low I now know? 

There is so much wisdom I want to ignore with impetuous disregard. I'm not 20 anymore, and emotionally I regress to the love of excess...which I can no longer afford. Efforts to be understood last night were stonewalled by a stubborn bull who either didn't want to or couldn't understand. 

There is a weakness to that wall somewhere and I wonder how much effort and time it will take to find it, and how much of me I will have to sacrifice to succeed.

Today I will wallow in a patient state of uncertainty for the second day in a row. Let there be rain.