Amid the swirling realities that bog down too many minutes
of my day I am inundated with reaction and emotion and ultimately frustration
at how quickly I’m overcome. Now,
anything that might heighten the chaos will ultimately become more to juggle,
and so I find myself putting a lot of balls down.
When I think about the things I would like to dedicate my
time to, if it doesn't involve my family I feel as though I will be committing
time unwisely. Our generation has been raised
with ultimate knowledge via the internet, and this omniscient perspective has
culminated the widely known “truth” that is: nothing else matters in the
end. I feel like I know more of what
options this life has to offer than my parents, and I read commentary over and
over again by those who are near the end of their time that family is what
matters. The drama of raising children,
the chaos of feeding them and caring for them, that is what it is all
for.
So one must decide what the all will be in that
equation, ie what will matter to the children the most? If it all for them, what would they benefit
from the most during this time with their parents? And there it is: with.their.parents. With us.
So those balls, those choices, if they cannot be done with them then
they aren't done at all.
I lose the present sometimes when overwhelmed by the lives
of others via social media, television, and work politics. Stepping away from those influences as much
as possible seems a wise course of action.
My children are little, and therefore we are in a precious window of time
where they need me, and are truly influenced by me.
How we are with family flows over into each generation’s
priority hierarchy. My children will
watch how I am with my parents and sister, and will emulate me. My mother moved and raised her family across the
country from her roots, and here I am doing the same. My parents committed every moment they could
to my childhood, and here I am with those same values.
Suppose today, on my way home from work, I get hit by a car
and die. I am inclined to believe that
my children, my partner, my mother and father, they are what will flash into my
mind. The impact that I have on them now
will be my legacy. Therefore everything
I am doing must be for the betterment of my people. The selfishness occurs when
I stop to relish in their beauty, but the selflessness exists when they are
better off for it.
My conundrum for today is: When does the selflessness of
parenting end and the selfishness of self begin? This will be different for each parent, I’m
sure. But where is that line for me?
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